


Until the Day Breaks

by sinfuldesire_archivist



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Angst, Drama, First Time, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-05-15
Updated: 2009-08-23
Packaged: 2018-09-03 15:00:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 14,095
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8718319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sinfuldesire_archivist/pseuds/sinfuldesire_archivist
Summary: The life of Jared and Jensen, as it unfolds from Jared's eyes. "Jared thinks Sam has a pretty cool, exciting, dangerous life...  But this is one time when Jared doesn't envy him."





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the Sinful Desire archivists: this story was originally archived at [Sinful-Desire.org](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Sinful_Desire). To preserve the archive, we began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2016. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact us using the e-mail address on [Sinful Desire collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/sinfuldesire/profile).

**Title:** Until the Day Breaks (Chapter 1) 

**Rating:** PG

**Date written:** March 2009

**Word count:** 4,052

**Other information:** Story is somewhat cannon though 2008, but I don’t know enough about the guys to make everything accurate. I still consider myself new to _Supernatural_ , Jared, and Jensen. Don’t know all their friends, or family members’ names, or their life stories, or even all their previous acting experience. So, I try to write realistically, but I don’t know if I’ll be getting loads of things wrong. I apologize in advance. This is written just for fun, is completely fiction, and means no harm to any Real People involved. This whole thing started in a series of e-mails swapped with my dear friend who got me into _Supernatural_ , when we ended up watching four seasons in just over a week. Thanks dear. (o: Can’t believe I’m gonna make this public. *shakes nervously* Written in American English. Thanks to Rebekka and Stephanie for beta-ing this!

 

\--

 

 

He's seen Dean die hundreds of times now.

 

Well, Sam has, anyway, especially since that Mystery-Spot-Trickster episode. It happened so many times that what was at first gut-wrenching and terrifying became only a numb soreness, bordering on ridiculous and laughable - until Sam didn't wake up, that is. 

 

But this time is different. This time Sam has no promise, no hope that Dean will live, survive, escape, or return. There was a deal with a demon. And a vicious Hell Hound. And all Sam can do is watch Dean get torn apart right in front of his eyes. Watch him die, watch the light leave his eyes…

 

Jared thinks Sam has a pretty cool, exciting, dangerous life. He’s crossing the country, on a never-ending road trip with his older brother. He convinces people he’s a cop, an FBI agent, a priest, and an insurance agent. Girls like him. Evils fear him. 

 

But this is one time when Jared doesn't envy him.

 

..:..

 

 

Jared remembers the week they filmed Sam's death at the end of the second season. His job had been fairly easy - lay still, and don't move even an eyelash, or else face certain death. Jensen had had the hard job. He had worked hard to get into character, and the crew and staff had all steered a clear mile around him, with his demeanor grim and sorrowful and angry. Jared would never forget Jensen's expression after the scene where Dean mourned the loss of Sam, pleaded with whoever was listening, begged for an answer for what he was supposed to do - without Sam, without his brother...

 

When the cut was called, Dean finally turned away from the image of his dead brother and let out a shaky breath. It was the last scene of the day, having saved the hardest one for last, knowing it could be difficult to shake off the atmosphere and characters’ emotions.

 

Jensen didn't look at Jared as he left the set, shoulders hunched and hands in his pockets. He was known to disappear into himself at times, but Jared took pride in being able to shake him out of that. Usually.

 

There were some moments though when he was just...gone.

 

Concerned for his friend who had left set a little too quickly and sullenly for Jared's liking, he went straight to Jensen's trailer after saying goodbye to the crew.

 

"Hey," Jensen had greeted him, barely glancing up as Jared let himself into the trailer and sat on the small sofa near the door. Jensen sat across from him, hunched over, elbows on his knees, a beer already in his hand.

 

"You okay?" Jared asked.

 

"Yeah, why wouldn't I be?" Jensen returned, sounding more like Dean, making Jared feel more like Sam.

 

"So, what do you wanna do tonight?" Jared asked with gusto, trying to lighten the tone and get Jensen out of his funk. ""Madden? Pizza? Or that pool hall we pass every time we drive home and always say we'll stop at one day?"

 

"I dunno, man." Jensen sighed, stood from his seat and moved to the counter top, his back to Jared as Jensen fiddled with the snack packages there. "Maybe I'll just call it a night..."

 

Jared heard Jensen but didn't immediately respond. His eyes lingered on Jensen's back, his raised shoulders, tense arm muscles, the line of his spine and the way his T-shirt stretched along his back. Jared could swear it was like looking at a statue, the way Jensen was turned, the way every muscle seemed taut. 

 

"Are you sure? We – " Jared began.

 

"I could use some time alone," Jensen interrupted, turning to face Jared and fixing him with a gaze - something strong, but not hard.

 

"You did great on those scenes," Jared said, taking a different tactic this time, rather than avoidance or subject changing. Jensen's gaze fell and slowly roamed around the trailer's interior. Then he scratched at his eye, sighed, flicked his gaze at Jared, and pushed forward from the counter.

 

"Come on, Padalecki. It's time to get out of here."

 

With that, a veil had fallen, and Jensen smiled a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes. He started herding Jared up and out of his trailer. Jensen led the way out and Jared, needing to do something to reassure - maybe himself, maybe Jensen - set his hands on Jensen's shoulders, a manly squeeze, a couple of pats as they descended the stairs. Some kind of contact, some kind of touch. Jared couldn't help that he needed it, craved it. It was his language, his instinct. 

 

Doubtful about something? A hand on a shoulder.

 

Hurting? A gentle pat.

 

Happy? A warm hug.

 

Sad? A touch on an arm.

 

Distant? Reach out.

 

Unsure? Hold on.

 

And Jensen received it, went with it - because Jensen was Jensen and Jared was Jared, and they knew that about each other.

 

..:..

 

 

Sometimes, Jensen touches Jared. And because he isn't as crazy and generous with his affection, it always makes it special when it does happen. Of course there are accidental brushes of fingers when handing off food or sodas, or when removing stray bits of fuzz or eyelashes from his skin between takes. But sometimes, Jensen seems to touch Jared purely for the sake of doing so.

 

Jared likes to think it’s because Jensen understands how Jared thrives on it.

 

It’s the weekend and they've finished shooting, everyone looking forward to the day off. A group of them go out to get the evening started right. Two beers in, and Jared’s sliding into the booth after a bathroom run. Jensen moves over and curls his arm around Jared's shoulders, smiles, and uses his other hand to pat against Jared's chest, probably harder than he means to, but the alcohol softens the sensation. It’s one of those things that Jensen just does, has always done. Like his hand can’t help moving to Jared’s chest. They both grin at each other, and then laugh at a joke shared from across the table, and Jared lets himself slouch into Jensen, relaxed and content with Jensen's arm around him, their thighs touching even as they all scoot in closer to fit another friend into the booth.

 

It’s a good excuse to sit closer. 

 

..:..

 

 

Jared thinks Dean is a smooth talker with the girls, but he thinks it's funny when Jensen occasionally runs from them. Jensen just wants to be himself. He gets startled when a flock of _Supernatural_ fans suddenly appears out of nowhere and he forgets for a minute why they're all talking to him - all at the same time, and all very quickly.

 

Jared is always amused and forgets at first that it's his unspoken responsibility to salvage the situation. He just watches as realization dawns in Jensen's eyes and he waits for the blush that never comes - because even when caught off guard, Jensen's a man of control, and rarely blushes.

 

Sometimes Jared plays a game in his head - one where he sees what antics it would take to get Jensen to blush. He imagines that it's adorable - if it is okay to call his friend, a guy, adorable. But he's pretty sure it is, because sometimes it's the only way he can describe Jensen - adorable, in a very manly way, of course.

 

But sometimes when he thinks of Jensen blushing, his mind wanders too far...

 

..:..

 

 

The first time Jared brings Jensen home to hang out at his parents, it’s Fourth of July weekend. And his mom promptly falls in love - though Jared is certain that she’s actually had a crush since the pilot aired.

 

Jensen just has a way with his 'thank you's and 'yes ma'am's that sets Jared's mom all a-flutter. 

 

They’ve finished a season of shooting, and Jared and Jensen have settled into a comfortable friendship. Something deep, but fun. The potential for longevity. But their world hangs in the air, waiting for that call to say whether they’ll be heading back to Vancouver again for another season.

 

Jared really wants them to. He really wants this.

 

His family has a bar-b-q outside, and the cousins all go swimming as the afternoon sun begins its journey to the horizon. Tonight they all wait for its disappearance. It’s a night to light up the sky, and the Padaleckis have traditions for these sorts of things. Traditions that involve way too much money spent on fireworks of every shape and size.

 

Jared sees Jensen clap his hands together, rubbing them eagerly with a pyromaniac look in his eye.

 

They’ve played a lot with fire on set, and if they’re a little too enthusiastic with the tiny explosives in their hands, no one seems to mind because that’s apparently what Independence Day is all about. 

 

They finally get to the big fireworks, and Jared and Jensen are sitting in lawn chairs, bare feet resting against the freshly cut grass. The dogs are barking in the backyard and home seems so utterly perfect, even with its heat and the sweat, and all the screaming and running around that Jared’s cousins are doing.

 

He watches the grand finale of the fireworks, colorful sparks flying through the air over and over again, with the loud cracks and booms behind them. Then he glances over at Jensen, head turned up, eyes alight with excitement, watching the sky and oblivious to Jared’s gaze.

 

Yeah, he wants this.

 

Later that night, various cousins, aunts and uncles are piling into their cars to head home, and the kids are set with the chore of picking up firework-remnants. Jared stands by his dad for a minute, throwing some trash away in the garbage can in the garage.

 

"Good kid, that one,” his dad says, causing Jared to stop. His dad isn't a man of many words, unlike Jared.

 

"Dad, we're not really kids any more."

 

"To me you are. But I reckon he's a good man."

 

Jared turns and surveys his father, wondering what’s on his mind. "Yeah," Jared says, unsure of what else to say.

 

"Hold on to that one."

 

Jared's brow furrows and he frowns. He wants to know what it is his father means, but before he can figure out how to ask, his dad takes the last swig from his rootbeer and turns away to say goodbye to his own siblings and their families, leaving Jared staring curiously after his dad.

 

..:..

 

 

Jared's dated a few girls over the last several months, but he hadn't expected it to be so hard to find a girl interested in Jared Padalecki - and not _Sam_ , or _Jared-who-plays-Sam._

 

He's called a few girl friends he used to know, and re-connected with some of them, but nothing's really the same any more.

 

Jensen goes on dates. 

 

To the world at large, “officially” Jensen is still with Danneel. But they were friends before they dated, and now remain friends after. It’s easier for Jensen to let the media and press go on believing they are still together. He doesn’t want the attention that news of a break up and a newly-single Jensen Ackles might bring. The PR guys talked to him about it. Jensen doesn’t like a lot of attention, and Jared thinks he understands that. Respects the decision. When _Supernatural_ is over, Jensen thinks things will calm down and the world won’t care who he dates or breaks up with. Jared has his doubts about that.

 

Still, the fact remains…

 

Jensen does go on dates.

 

Once Jared asks him where he meets his dates.

 

"Old friends."

 

Jensen seems to have a lot of friends - people he's collected over the years and held onto, people who must realize how great he is and who’ve held onto him as well. When he thinks about it, Jared feels two very distinct emotions: hope - that maybe when this _Supernatural_ show is over, Jensen won't just drop him or forget about him. He'd kind of hate that. But second, he feels jealousy - because he wants to think that he's Jensen's best friend, and Jensen is his, but the truth is there are these other people in Jensen's life. 

 

The two of them are friends, and with that Jared knows there should come some boundaries, and mutual understandings - like not being selfish, or jealous, or insecure. Jared tries not to be. 

 

He grins, instead, and finds some way to touch Jensen, because Jared needs that reassurance for himself. Then he forgets whatever it was that had bothered him in the first place...

 

..:..

 

 

One 'old friend' starts calling Jensen _a lot_. At first, it annoys Jared. Cell phones are great and all, but sometimes it's frustrating how easily a call or text can pull someone away. But then Jensen starts hitting the 'ignore' button. Secretly, Jared's thrilled because he’s convinced that it means that his company is more important - at least at the moment - than the person who's calling. He feels a bit smug, but can't explain the grin to Jensen, who taps his shoulder gently in a passing movement, and then changes the subject.

 

..:..

 

 

They've been living together for awhile, and Jared couldn't have asked for a better roommate. Of course he and Jensen spend _way_ too much time together, but they haven't grown sick of each other yet. And when they do need time alone, they just say so. They have separate rooms, separate friends, separate trailers at work. But they always end up together. Jared swears its some kind of magnetism. Maybe they've got magnetically charged blood, or skin, or molecules. Jensen just laughs - that laugh like he's amused by Jared, even when he's being stupid.

 

It makes Jared feel a bit warm as he returns the smile.

 

..:..

 

 

Jared comes home one night after hanging out with the guys. They had invited Jensen along, but he'd said he had things to do at home. It’s late when Jared slips in through the front door, surprised that the living room isn't pitch black. Instead, late night infomercials are flashing across the TV screen, lighting up the room. Jared sheds his coat and shoes, sets his keys on the table and rounds the end of the couch where he spots Jensen - asleep.

 

He’s stretched out on his back, wearing the sweatpants and old T-shirt he often wears on laundry day. His face is turned toward the flashing TV, and one arm is curled over his head, on the armrest.

 

Jared steps over toward the coffee table to reach for the remote, but stops halfway and stares unabashedly at his friend. Jensen's chest is slowly rising and falling with every breath. His sweats are slung low and his raised arm pulls his T-shirt up just enough to reveal a strip of skin across his lower abdomen, between waistband and T-shirt hem. One arm twitches then, and Jared watches, waiting, but nothing else happens. Jensen's eyes remain closed, his long eyelashes at rest against his cheeks. Jared watches as the TV continues to flick light across Jensen's sleeping form, sometimes highlighting his features, other times casting him in shadows.

 

Jared stands there for a few minutes before Jensen stirs, turning, stretching, and blinking his eyes. Jared reaches for the remote, suddenly prodded into action.

 

"You're home," Jensen says, rubbing one eye as he moves to prop himself up on his elbows. Jared holds the remote in his hand but does nothing with it.

 

"Yeah, just got in. You fell asleep in front of the TV."

 

Jensen blinks as if it’s taking him a minute longer to comprehend.

 

"Oh. I was waiting for you." He yawns and Jared smiles, finally feeling his shoulders relax - though he hadn't realized they'd been tense. He lowers himself to the edge of the couch where Jensen moves his legs to make room for him.

 

"Did you finish everything you needed to?" Jared asks.

 

"Yeah," Jensen nods, forcing himself to sit up, which places them very close together, facing each other. 

 

"Not too drunk, I hope?" Jensen asks, sounding amused and slightly more awake.

 

"Nah, we just had a couple." Jared smiles at Jensen, and they look at each other for a moment. He watches as Jensen slowly moves, leaning closer, his hand reaching for Jared. Jared swallows uncertainly, unsure of what’s happening. Then Jensen's fingers curl around the back of Jared's neck. Jensen moves closer, tugs Jared nearer, until their foreheads touch.

 

Jared thinks maybe he had gotten drunk. Or maybe Jensen is sleepwalking. Maybe Jared is asleep and dreaming already. He feels very strange to be looking at Jensen so closely, his forehead warm against Jared's, his heart picking up speed for some unknown reason...

 

Seconds tick by, thrumming loudly in his ears, and Jared thinks he should do something, but he isn't sure what. Finally Jensen chuckles lightly, his breath brushing along Jared's cheek as he feels Jensen release his hold and lean back.

 

"Sorry," Jensen laughs, smiling a sleepy, bashful smile, one of those unguarded expressions that Jared always appreciates. But at the moment he isn't entirely sure what Jensen is apologizing for... So, Jared does what Jared does best.

 

"Don't worry, man. You know I love it when you get all touchy-feely with me," Jared teases and grins. Jensen is still smiling but adds an eye-roll and shoves Jared on the arm.

 

"Hey, rumor has it I'm a man-beast. You better watch it!" Jared warns.

 

"You're full of it, Padalecki!" Jensen shakes his head. "How many times have I told you to stop reading those teeny-bopper magazine articles about yourself?"

 

"Hey! _Tiger Beat_ is a very reputable source!"

 

Both guys laugh hard at that remark, not finding the strength to keep the humorous argument going. Soon they make their ways to their own rooms, where Jared lays in bed, fully content for a full minute or two until he remembers...

 

Jensen so close, his fingers along Jared's neck... 

 

Sam and Dean are close as brothers, and Jared and Jensen are close as friends, but that... 

 

Something about it puts Jared's stomach in knots.

 

..:..

 

 

Jensen likes to take photos. Somewhere, Jared thinks he must have a billion pictures of Jared, too. Not because Jensen is obsessed with him or anything, but because Jensen is always shooting pictures on set, and Jared's kind of an annoying ass, sneaking into the frames just as Jensen is about to click the shutter and snap the photo. 

 

When Jared was a child, he was often getting in trouble for the very same thing in family photos, at reunions, or at special events and gatherings. His Dad had had this painful way of thumping him on the back of the head - he thought it was probably a disciplinary action that all Texan children knew well.

 

Jensen, however, opts for shouting, _"PADALECKI!"_ in his angry voice.

 

Jared thinks he's probably ruined a lot of photos, but he hopes Jensen's forgiven him. He's probably just deleted a billion pictures of Jared after the last few years together...

 

At least, that's what Jared had assumed, until one night when Jensen's friends are over, and they're looking at something on Jensen's laptop in the living room. Jared is in the kitchen playing fetch with the dogs, laughing to himself at the way their paws slide along the floor as they run and try to stop themselves. As Harley brings the ball back, Jared overhears Jensen's friends in the other room request to see his latest set photos. Only five minutes pass before Chris is shouting for Jared to join them, and look at something that is apparently hilarious and worth the look.

 

Jared heads into the living room and takes a seat on the arm of the couch, the dogs following him and wagging their tails expectantly, hoping Jared will throw the ball for them again. 

 

On the screen is indeed a hilarious picture. It’s Jared during lunch break one day, with his two lunches boxes, using the food he hadn't eaten yet to make his face into a hideous monstrosity - complete with cucumber eyes, a red pepper mustache, and French-fry-fangs, trying to scare Karen, one of the members of the set crew who was sitting nearby, trying to eat but looking too disgusted.

 

Jared laughs out loud, setting them all off again into fits of very girlish giggles, the guys again and again trying to imitate and repeat the expressions of Jared and Karen in the picture, only to incite everyone into laughter again.

 

Once they finally calm down enough to ask Jensen to click on to the next photo, Jared decides to stay on the couch with them, curious about all the photos Jensen has taken and which Jared has never actually seen after the fact. But he’s surprised as they scroll through and he finds himself in so many of the pictures - with set crew members, or with the other actors, some of him alone between takes, others relaxing in the trailer, playing video games, or posing like an angry Sam, or even a sexy Dean. There are lots of photos of other people, too, but Jared honestly hadn't thought that Jensen would keep all of the random photos he'd snapped - not all the ones Jared had ruined.

 

Jared glances over at Jensen, who is returning the glance, their eyes meeting. Jensen seems part amused, and part something else. Something Jared can’t define.

 

"Aw, you guys are so cute!"

 

Jared's attention snaps back to the screen, and he notices Jensen's doing the same. On the screen is a photo of the two of them, one Jared definitely remembers being taken. They were goofing off around the set, as usual, and in the photo Jensen is standing with Jared on his back, piggy-back style, and someone else - maybe one of the junior techie girls - took the picture of the two of them laughing their heads off, Jared looking so huge "riding" on Jensen, who isn't small himself, and actually had no trouble at all holding him up. 

 

Jared smiles. Yeah, maybe they are cute.

 

 

But being cute doesn't mean anything.

 

When Jared's caught goofing off between takes with Genevieve, people say they're cute too. And he supposes they're right. _She's_ cute, anyway. Fun to be with, easy to talk to, and she hasn't been shy about expressing her interest in him. She'd probably be a great girlfriend, and why not, when he has fun spending time with her...? 

 

Genevieve as his girlfriend. Jensen, his best friend and roommate.

 

The world is basically perfect.

 

He tells himself that, but the look in Jensen's eyes makes him doubtful.

 

_"Together?"_ Jensen asks Genevieve, blinking.

 

The decision had only just been made, literally a few minutes ago, so naturally Jared expects Jensen to be surprised. Especially since Genevieve just blurts it out to him, rather than giving Jared a chance to tell his own best friend.

 

"Isn't it so random? Fate is so weird!" Genevieve says, happily twining her fingers into Jared's as they stand there outside the trailers.

 

"Yeah," Jensen says, looking slightly shell-shocked for all of two seconds before he covers with a mask of amusement. Genevieve doesn't notice, but then she wouldn't. Jared's almost an expert on Jensen's expressions at this point. He sees it.

 

On the other hand, he's not a mind reader. He thinks that's why there's a knot in his stomach again.

 

"And I almost missed the casting call because I was sick! And I never would have met Jared!"

 

She's so happy, Jared thinks it's enough for all three of them. 

 

"That's so great," Jensen agrees distractedly. "We really ought to go and celebrate, too.” Genevieve grins and nods her head eagerly. “But right now I've gotta run to make-up and get touched up before the next scene. So, I'll catch you guys after!"

 

But he doesn't.

 

Genevieve wants to go out after Jared finishes for the day, but Jensen's already disappeared, and no one's seen him, and his phone only goes to voicemail. He's asleep when Jared returns home that night.

 

But things seem normal after that, in the following days and weeks. 

 

So, his world should be perfect, really.

 

But it's not.

 

Maybe perfect’s not real, anyway.


	2. Chapter 2

**Title:** Until the Day Breaks (Chapter 2) 

**Rating:** PG

**Date written:** March/April 2009

**Word count:** 3,854

**Other information:** Story is somewhat cannon though 2008, but I don’t know enough about the guys to make everything accurate. I try to write realistically, but I don’t know if I’ll be getting loads of things wrong. I apologize in advance. This is written just for fun, is completely fiction, and means no harm to any Real People involved. This whole thing started in a series of e-mails swapped with my dear friend who got me into _Supernatural_ , when we ended up watching four seasons in just over a week. Thanks dear. (o: Written in American English. Thanks to Rebekka for beta-ing this, and especially for all the cheerleading! Thanks to Stephanie for her help as well. This chapter was a struggle to edit, and in the end all I could do was just make peace with it and post it.

 

\--

 

 

The end is coming.

 

For the show. For his life in Vancouver. Rooming with Jensen.

 

And for Jared and Genevieve, too.

 

They’re working on the last episode and it’s hard. So hard that all Jared can do is pretend it’s not real. He’s usually the kind of person who feels what he feels, lets it run its course, embraces the here and now. He doesn’t bottle up or push back, or erect walls. He just feels it, lets it all out, says what he thinks, lets his heart lead him. But he’s afraid of what’ll happen if he does.

 

He’s going to end things with Gen; he already knows it. Maybe it’s not fair. She seems so happy all the time. She’s even hinted at finding a place together somewhere warmer, talked about future acting projects, suggested a few nice vacation destinations when filming is finally finished. But Jared thinks the relationship ends with the show. He’s not sure why, but that’s the way it has to happen. 

 

He can’t explain it. 

 

She’ll be hurt. There’ll be a fight and tears. It’s nothing to do with Genevieve. The problem is all Jared. And maybe a little bit Jensen.

 

The last year together – filming the last season – it’s been like normal. Sam and Dean have had incredible tension, bleeding emotions, and more of that brotherly love that gets the fangirls all hyped up. 

 

Everything’s been normal. But something’s different.

 

Jared still touches Jensen all the time. He still can’t help the way he is. It’ll never change. He’s a tactile person and he can’t seem to deny himself. But Jensen has slowly and gradually reverted back to the Jensen of season one, as far as affection is concerned. He receives, accepts, teases. He doesn’t give. It’s as if Jared can read in his eyes the fence that’s gone up: _PRIVATE PROPERTY._

 

Maybe the sign could be two-way.

 

Jared’s not sure what to think, what to do. He’s had hurt friends before, angry friends, even jealous friends – because inevitably having a girlfriend takes Jared away from his friends. But Jared and Jensen live together, so they still see each other, and get along just like they have done for the past few years. Although they do see each other considerably less than before. And half the time Genevieve is there, too.

 

Jensen’s friends with her, but not like he’s friends with Jared, of course. Jared takes comfort in the thought but doesn’t consider why he would, or should, or does. He knows he should be completely stoked that his best friend still fits into his life so perfectly and everything is pretty normal. 

 

Maybe it’s Jared who’s changed.

 

 

Jared comes home one night after a full day of filming. He walks in the door to his house and he can tell that Jensen’s only beat him home by about ten minutes. It has to do with where the keys are, and where Jensen’s bag and shoes are, and the fact that the dogs are already outside, but not quite back in yet. 

 

Jared shuts the door and takes his shoes off without untying the laces. His mom always told him not to do that, but the habit developed in college and it stuck. In the kitchen he hears tinkering and moves toward the sound, dropping his sweatshirt and bag on the couch as he passes it.

 

“You beat me home!” Jared announces from the doorway of the kitchen. At the same time, the pan in Jensen’s hand clatters loudly to the sink where he had been filling it. The water splashes and a few expletives fly from Jensen’s mouth, making Jared chuckle. Finally Jensen recovers, glaring at the pot and using his hand to sweep the errant water back into the sink.

 

“What’re you doing home?” Jensen asks, finally looking up, seeming slightly confused in a distracted way. “I mean, I thought you guys said you were going out?”

 

“Yeah, well,” Jared says, shrugging as he wanders into the room, toward the barstool chairs along the bar. It makes up half of the island in the middle of the kitchen, the other half comprised of some counter space and the sink Jensen is using to refill his pot. Jared takes a seat, facing Jensen and watching him turn the faucet off. “I told her I didn’t feel like it, and the girls invited her out, anyway.”

 

“Ah, one of those monthly girls’ night, boys’ night things?” Jensen asks, turning to set the pot on the stove, his back now to Jared. Jared glances around the room, taking in the ingredients along the counter. Rice, oils, seasons, vegetables, raw meat chunks. Jensen is making dinner for one. Jared wonders how often he’s done that in the past year.

 

“I’m gonna break up with her,” Jared blurts out.

 

Another expletive flies across the room and Jensen drops his fork to the counter, following after it with his hand to still its clattering with a loud _smack_.

 

“Why on earth are you doing that?” Jensen asks over his shoulder, his tone surprised and somewhat disapproving.

 

“I dunno.” Jared shrugs, then grins and tries to think of something to laugh about. Nothing really comes to mind. “Why? Do you think I should stay with her?” he asks lightly, joking.

 

“It’s not my relationship.” Jensen’s tone is hard and Jared blinks.

 

After a moment of silence, Jared’s voice comes out quieter and slower than normal. “You know, we only have a few days left…then it’s all over.”

 

“I realize that,” Jensen replies, less harsh than before, “but the ending of a show is no reason to break up with your girlfriend.” He says it as though it should have been obvious, as though Jared should have known better.

 

“I wasn’t thinking of her,” Jared says quietly, speaking exactly what’s in his head. 

 

Jensen laughs from the stove and Jared’s gaze snaps up to see what’s so funny.

 

“I get it!”

 

“You get what?” Jared asks, confused. Jensen is still chuckling, casting amused looks at Jared as he leaves the meat to sizzle and goes to the fridge to grab them each a beer.

 

“I appreciate the gesture, Jared, but it wasn’t necessary. I think we’re past this, really.”

 

“What?” Jared asks.

 

“Ditching your girlfriend to make sure we had some quality time together. You could have told me though, and I might have made a cake or something,” Jensen teases, rolling his eyes and turning back to his meat, stirring and spooning in vegetables. “Anyway, there’s a made-for-TV-movie on tonight and I have every intention of watching it while I have my stir-fry, and ice my knees.”

 

Jared takes a few swigs of his drink. “How are your knees?”

 

“They’ll heal. But Dean better have some different scenes tomorrow,” he warns.

 

There’s a pause as Jensen dishes some rice into his pan, and Jared watches him.

 

“So, you can call Genevieve and crash the girls’ night. I’m no fun tonight.”

 

“You’re never any fun,” Jared taunts.

 

“Har, har,” Jensen throws over his shoulder, his arm working constantly as he stirs the contents of his pan.

 

“Anyway, I was serious,” Jared says.

 

“About what?”

 

“Breaking up with Genevieve.”

 

“Now, why would you go and do a thing like that?” Jensen responds censoriously. “She’s been good to you. She’s in love with you.”

 

Jared frowns. “I can’t leave Vancouver with her.”

 

“Why not?” Jensen demands, spinning to look at him for a minute before turning back to his rice. “Maybe you got a concussion when Sam hit that wall today.”

 

It grows quiet aside from the sizzling in the frying pan. Jared frowns at his beer, thoughts turning over in his head like clothes in a drier.

 

“Jensen?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Have you ever met someone that you thought was _the one_? I mean…if you even believe in all that…” 

 

Jared looks up, watches Jensen’s back as his arms move, adjusting the frying pan and swishing the food about with his wooden spoon. His T-shirt is stretched across taut back muscles. There’s a tense line to the way he’s holding himself, but Jared doesn’t know when it appeared. Or if it’s been there from the moment he arrived home, or from the moment Dean first fell to his knees that day, or from the moment Jared screwed up the same line twenty-two times.

 

“I don’t know,” Jensen says, his voice unguarded. It takes a second before Jared realizes that Jensen’s voice hasn’t sounded so unguarded in months. He wonders why he didn’t hear it before.

 

“You don’t know?”

 

“Well, I guess if I had, I’d be with them now, wouldn’t I?” Jensen says over his shoulder. 

 

It’s a fair point. When Jensen really wants something, he goes for it. Sure, he’s shy. Reserved. But he knows what battles to pick. Jared’s seen him fight for things before: witnessed him argue with the newbie directors, or hold his ground in disputes over their work hours or holidays. He believes some things are worth fighting for – told Jared just as much, in fact. So it makes sense that if Jensen found the one he really wanted, that he’d find a way to be with her…

 

“Anyway, no one can tell you what to do, Jared. You have to make your own choices and live with them.”

 

Jared blinks, the words sinking in for a second, perhaps sinking a little too deeply so that Jared feels uncomfortable.

 

“But you’re my friend!” Jared says back suddenly, an epiphany forming.

 

“Yeah, and?” Jensen asks.

 

“So, you’d stop me if you thought I was doing something really, really stupid? Right?”

 

“Yeah, I guess.” Jensen turns, pan in his hand, and glances up at Jared as though he’s not sure what to make of him, then changes gears. “Now, are you staying or going? There’s extra stir-fry if you want it.”

 

“Oh, I’m definitely staying.” Jared grins.

 

A home-cooked meal from Jensen? 

 

Jared’s mama didn’t raise no fool.

 

 

They’re sitting in the living room. Jensen’s feet are propped up on the coffee table with huge homemade ice-packs on his knees. Zip-loc bags and towels are all it takes. They’re tied in place so they won’t move. Jared caught a glimpse of Jensen’s knees earlier, after he changed into a pair of old basketball shorts and before he attached the ice-packs. His knees are yellow and purple, and swollen. Jensen walks gingerly because no one’s there to see him do it. No one except Jared, and apparently Jensen’s okay with Jared knowing he’s not invincible. Jared likes that.

 

“Hey, Jensen?”

 

“There’s more in the kitchen,” Jensen says around the food in his mouth, not even looking away from the lame movie on TV. They both know the actors are horrible, but Jensen is absorbed in the story anyway. Somehow he doesn’t even have to glance over to know that Jared’s already emptied his whole plate of stirfry. Jared supposes it’s not a difficult assumption.

 

“Cool, thanks,” Jared beams happily, feeling as though he’d struck gold, since it wasn’t exactly the answer to the question he had started out to ask. But it’s blissfully sidetracked him. He returns minutes later having emptied the pan on the stove. Jensen doesn’t ask if there’s any left. They both know there’s never any food left when Jared’s around. 

 

A commercial finally comes on. It’s longer than normal between the breaks on this channel. Jensen leans up, sets his plate on the table and then adjusts the half-melted packs on his knees, wincing as he moves. When finished, he leans back, slouching so that his shoulders are halfway down the couch. He lets out a big sigh and folds his hands over his stomach, utterly content. Jared gives a start, realizing he’s been watching his friend’s every move. His eyes have trouble pulling away from Jensen’s hands, where his fingers are idly moving over his lower abdomen.

 

“Jensen?”

 

“Yeah?” Jensen glances over at Jared, their eyes meeting. The glance turns into an expectant gaze as he waits for Jared’s response.

 

“I don’t want this to end.”

 

“The movie?” Jensen asks, surprised and contemptuous. “I thought you said you hated it?”

 

“No, not the movie!” Jared is appalled and shoves his arm. Jensen laughs. 

 

“I mean…this. Us. _Supernatural._ Vancouver. Our house.”

 

Jensen blinks and though his face is still turned toward Jared, his eyes look away – to the floor, the commercial on TV, the coffee table. His expression turns distant and closed off. Jared’s brow furrows and somewhere inside him, he feels something hurt.

 

“Yeah, well, we knew it wouldn’t go on forever,” Jensen finally says.

 

“The show,” Jared clarifies.

 

Jensen looks at him, his eyes appearing to search for something.

 

“Back in L.A. before you know it!” Jensen says, and Jared can tell he’s trying to sound chipper. 

 

“Genevieve thinks we might live together when we go back to L.A.” Jared’s voice is quiet, something it’s not with very many people. 

 

“Who? You and me?” Jensen asks distractedly, his brow furrowed, as he glances several times toward the commercials on TV. 

 

“No. Me and her. But…I can’t leave here with her.”

 

“You keep saying that…” 

 

“And I don’t want to leave without you.”

 

The room falls silent, aside from the commercial that is slowly fading to black and then back to the movie. But Jensen’s attention is far from the TV. His eyebrows are still knit together, and Jared can practically see cogs turning in his head.

 

“Jared…”

 

“I, uh, I warned you I’d get a bit crazy when we reached the end,” Jared says, chuckling nervously as he backpedals. He doesn’t really want to talk about this. Not here. Not now. Not yet. He doesn’t mind talking about his feelings, and he knows Jensen has grown used to Jared freely expressing himself. But he doesn’t want to do it this time. At least for a few more days he’d like to go on pretending that their show isn’t ending, that his and Jensen’s paths aren’t parting soon, that he doesn’t have to say good bye to another show, another family, another life, and not-just-another best friend. 

 

Jared swallows anxiously and looks over to see Jensen’s expression drawn further closed. Then Jensen nods, looks around, and reaches for his beer, taking a drink and returning his attention to the movie.

 

Jared’s pretty sure he’s just lost Jensen again until the next commercial break. He worries that he’s lost more than that.

 

..:..

 

 

The next day, Jared and Jensen are standing in line for their lunches, waiting as others file through the buffet-style set up. If Jensen notices that Jared’s been plastered to his side all day – instead of Genevieve’s – he doesn’t say anything. And Jared is glad for that because there’s nothing unusual about it at all. This is how Jared likes it, how things used to be. He’s missed it.

 

They’re joking around and laughing at each other when Genevieve walks into the lunch room. She spots Jared and pauses for a moment before turning around and leaving again. Jared thinks her eyes looked shiny, but she didn’t get close enough for him to be sure.

 

Then he hears Jensen’s laugh cut off.

 

“Dude!” he reprimands, “what did you do?!”

 

Jared’s attention has snapped back around to stare at Jensen, and before he can think of any denials, the look in his friend’s eyes stops him. Jensen knows. It’s both startling and comforting at the same time.

 

“I broke up with her,” Jared answers, unashamed, merely factual. “This morning.”

 

Jensen groans, covers his face with one hand, and glares at Jared for a minute before looking away angrily.

 

“Why did you do that?” Jensen says, still groaning.

 

“I told you I was going to.”

 

“Yeah, but the ending of a show is no reason – ”

 

“I know,” Jared interrupts. “That’s not why I broke up with her.”

 

“Then why?” Jensen demands. He’s in line for food now, and they try to talk while dipping up portions of the day’s meal, but it’s hard to do and they both end up distracted.

 

Finally they sit down at a deserted table, far away from most others, and Jared looks around for listeners before he answers.

 

“I’m not happy with her. It’s not what I want.”

 

“But you did want it?” Jensen half states, half asks.

 

“Y-yeah,” Jared says, frowning, and then as an after-thought: “I did. But I don’t now.”

 

“Man!” Jensen exclaims in a hush over his potatoes. “You can’t string people along.”

 

“I didn’t!” Jared defends himself. They never fight, not really. He doesn’t consider this a fight and it won’t turn into one because they’re Jensen and Jared. They don’t fight. But he knows Jensen isn’t happy with him. “Maybe…maybe I’m just not in the same place as I was a year ago.”

 

“And what place is that?”

 

“I…I don’t know.”

 

It’s quiet for a minute as they eat. Jared can tell Jensen’s still frustrated about something – he can tell just from the way he chews. Maybe it should be a disturbing realization, but it’s not.

 

“Man you should be thrilled!” Jared decides, grinning and slapping Jensen on the back. “We’ve got the bachelor pad back again!”

 

“For a week,” Jensen says sarcastically through a mouth half-full of food. It’s a bad habit he’s picked up since playing Dean. He’s had to do it so many times on camera that it’s like second nature now. 

 

..:..

 

 

Jared thinks the next week passes by as normally as possible, considering. Considering Jared just broke up with his girlfriend co-star, and he only has a few days left with the cast and crew he’s spent his last five years with. Not to mention his roommate, best friend.

 

“You’re acting strange,” Jensen says one night as they find themselves settling into the living room sofa with terrible late-night Canadian TV, trying to wind down enough to actually sleep. 

 

“Strange?” Jared asks. Damn, he thought everything had been normal.

 

“Yeah, you only ate one helping at lunch, you haven’t had dinner at all tonight. You stared at me during the whole make-up process this morning, and you’re touching everyone more than usual.”

 

Jared looks at him curiously.

 

“Oh, and Genevieve wants her books back.”

 

“Her books?” Jared frowns.

 

“Yeah, the ones you’ve never even picked up to read?” Something in his tone makes Jared think he’s annoyed.

 

“I meant to, I’ve just been…busy.”

 

“Yeah, well, she wants ‘em back.”

 

“Why didn’t she ask me?” 

 

“I dunno, man. She couldn’t find you! She said she didn’t really need to talk to you anyway, she just wants her damn books back.”

 

Jensen sounds aggravated, a little like Jared thinks Genevieve must have sounded.

 

“All right.” Jared says. There’s nothing else to say. He just has to find the books, where ever they are.

 

“And, I love you, man, but I am not going to be your go-to boy for you ex-girlfriend. You gotta handle it yourself.”

 

Jared glowers for a few seconds. “I didn’t ask you to do anything,” he mumbles.

 

Jensen doesn’t respond, but has a look in his eye that shows he doesn’t deem it worthy of a response.

 

“Hey, you wanna play Madden?” Jared asks suddenly.

 

“No, I don’t want to _play Madden,_ ” Jensen says, more sharply than Jared thinks he should have. “I want you to tell me what’s going on with you.”

 

Jared swallows. “I told you… I…I might get… It’s the end, and…”

 

Jared doesn’t know how to explain. It’s why he had warned Jensen in the first place, and reminded him of the warning several times over the years, especially this year. He had just hoped Jensen would get it without any explanation, like he gets everything else about Jared.

 

“I know it’s ending man, but life goes on. Don’t get so torn up.” Jensen’s voice is softer than it’s been all day, given that Dean was having a hell of a time in his scenes today.

 

He’s not dismissing Jared’s feelings, he’s just…trying to help him deal with it. Because Jensen’s not really good with big emotions. It’s like a pre-emptive measure. Trying to prevent what’s coming, what’s building. At least, that’s how Jared thinks Jensen means his words.

 

“I can’t help it,” Jared says quietly. “I just keep thinking about when we leave. Getting on the plane and knowing we’re not coming back. The house will be gone. I don’t even know when I’ll see you again.”

 

Jensen sighs, but it’s not a frustrated sigh. It’s affectionate, if that’s possible. He scoots down the sofa, closer to the end that’s near the armchair where Jared is sitting.

 

“We’re not ten any more, man,” Jensen says softly. When Jared looks up to meet his eyes, it appears he’d been waiting for it. Jensen smiles a sad smile. “We’re not going to move away and never see each other again. You know we have all these modern technologies like e-mail and cell phones, and text messages. And airplanes.” Jensen starts to smirk and Jared can’t help mirroring it.

 

“Shut up, man,” he pouts, shoving Jensen’s arm.

 

“I’m just saying… You’ve met my friends. I keep in touch with all of them, even when I’m all the way up here in the boonies. If that’s something you’re worried about… It’ll be okay, man. We’ll still see each other,” Jensen promises.

 

“But we won’t live together any more.”

 

Jensen lets out a laugh. “Well, no, man. But living together is only a long-term commitment when you’re married.”

 

Jared glares at the floor.

 

“Oh come on!” Jensen responds, clearly displeased that Jared didn’t find the remark funny. “You have to know that I’m going to miss you, and I don’t want to end this just as much as you. But I don’t have any control over that.”

 

Jensen is sincere, and Jared looks up, not feeling any better than before.

 

“You’ve been an awesome friend,” Jensen continues, “and you know I love you. Nothing’s going to change except that it’ll take longer to meet up for a beer.”

 

“Yeah,” Jared nods. He doesn’t like his own mood, but he doesn’t know how to change it without changing the subject entirely and denying reality. Jensen doesn’t seem keen on letting either happen at the moment, and he doesn’t often like when Jared uses his humor for denial anyway.

 

“If we don’t stay in touch, it won’t be me who stops calling,” Jensen says. 

 

Jared looks up. His green eyes are warm and it’s evident he’s trying very hard to get Jared to realize that the end of the show isn’t the end of the world.

 

But it feels that way. Like it’s the end of his world.

 

“It won’t be me either!” Jared says abruptly.

 

Jensen smiles. “Then you don’t have a problem.” He pats Jared on the shoulder encouragingly, like he just won a basketball game. Jared soaks in the feel of Jensen’s hand, the way it feels so natural there, and so exactly what Jared craves. 

 

Jensen’s right. They’re going to stay in contact. So Jared shouldn’t have a problem.

 

But he does.

 

Because it’s just not enough.


	3. Chapter 3

**Title:** Until the Day Breaks (Chapter 3)

**Rating:** PG-13 / light R?

**Date written:** April 2009

**Word count:** 5,802

**Other information:** Story is somewhat cannon though 2008, but I don’t know enough about the guys to make everything accurate. I still consider myself new to Supernatural, Jared, and Jensen, so I apologize in advance for any mistakes. This was written just for fun, is completely fiction, and means no harm to any Real People involved. Written in American English. Thanks to Rebekka for looking this over for me. (o: And thanks to Stephanie for her beta-work, too.

 

\--

 

 

It’s the last day of filming. It’s eerie and Jared doesn’t like it much. He feels antsy and nervous, his stomach in knots with anxious tension thrumming through his body. He knows part of him is going to be thrilled when this is all over, when he has his life back, and doesn’t have to endure Vancouver winters and fourteen hour work days any more.

 

But he knows it’s all been worth it. He knows, despite all the downsides, Jared’s still got the best deal out of the whole five-year commitment.

 

He’s got Jensen.

 

They exchange more glances than usual that day. Or maybe Jared just takes note of them more than usual – attempting to memorize everything he can before it’s all over, all too soon.

 

He can’t help but notice that their gazes linger today. That Jensen’s eyes hold something soft and understanding in them. Jared’s glad Jensen knows him, understands him. Knows that as great as it’ll be to end this craziness they’ve called their lives, it’s also going to hurt for Jared – hurt very, very badly. He can’t help it that he’s grown so attached to the crew, staff, and other actors. They’ve spent so much time together over the passing years, and as others have come and gone, Jared and Jensen slowly became the core of the family. The unsuspecting leaders.

 

People look to them, rely on them, let them call the shots.

 

Not all the shots, of course, but there’s a certain amount of respect they receive - from the time, energy, and effort they’ve put in, he supposes. Sometimes a director will even put in an extra, unplanned shot – something Jared and Jensen decide to do right as it’s happening, because it feels right, it’s what Sam and Dean would do.

 

But it’s all ending now, and though relief sits in the back of Jared’s mind, at the forefront all he sees is Jensen’s back retreating, the ending of one of the best friendships he’s ever had.

 

He knows Jensen will stay in touch. He’ll call. And if Jared’s lucky, even e-mail. Jensen will probably visit him in L.A., if they both end up there next. But he feels a knot forming in his stomach when he thinks of visiting.

 

It’s been years since Jared and Jensen have thought of, or spoken of, visiting. Or hanging out. Or getting together. Because for the last few years they’ve always been together.

 

There was life before Jensen, he knows it.

 

But Jared can’t seem to remember any of it.

 

When their eyes meet again from across the room – Jensen standing off set while Jared’s in the middle of it – the look lingers for the five-hundredth time that day. Jensen smiles almost bashfully, the corner of his mouth turning up as his head ducks down and he looks out from under his long eyelashes. Then he sticks a hand in his pocket and turns away to speak to a P.A.

 

Jared swallows and pushes all of his own thoughts and emotions away, forcing Sam’s thoughts and Sam’s feelings into himself, focusing on the job.

 

..:..

 

 

The last cut is called. The last cut of the day. Last cut of the season, the year. The last cut of the whole entire show.

 

Supernatural is over. Jared blinks, feeling surreal. It can’t really be over, but he knows from the way the whole crew is clapping and cheering that it really is. ‘It’s a job well done!’ their applause says. It takes a few seconds for Jared to register that he should be joining in, and he does. He claps, whoops, cheers.

 

Jensen pushes himself up from the floor, on the other side of the set. He’s got a smirking look of achievement on his face as his eyes meet Jared’s. Jensen dusts himself off and crosses slowly, clapping like his team just won the Superbowl. He glances around to the directors, the cameramen, the soundmen, the PAs, and other crew. He raises his hands as he gives a few loud claps for them, for their work, for the incredible show everyone has worked together to make.

 

The applause dies down, and Jared’s still standing in the middle of the set, the layered emotions of happiness, relief, and distress battling under the surface. Sounds of movement echo all around the set, as people began to pack up their things or head to their departments for the next stages of tearing down what has been a home for them all, over the past five years.

 

Jensen turns and his eyes are on Jared.

 

“You nailed that,” Jensen says, his tone sharp but approving.

 

“You weren’t so shabby yourself,” Jared laughs, not noticing that his feet have shuffled him forward until it’s already happened. He’s looking at Jensen, but Jensen doesn’t look as if he’s about to respond. Instead, his hands are in his pockets and he’s just watching Jared.

 

Watching him.

 

Jared shifts, swallows, wonders why Jensen isn’t saying anything. Wonders what he’s supposed to say. If there’s anything to say. He thinks that probably the end is just the end, and that’s that.

 

Jared scowls at the words, then remembers that Jensen is still right there, and he looks up again.

 

“Can’t believe it’s all over.”

 

“Better believe it, man,” Jensen says, a half-smile on his voice.

 

“I, um,” Jared stutters, glancing down, and again his feet are edging forward without his explicit permission.

 

When Jared looks up again, Jensen takes a quick and decisive step forward, closing the distance between them, and then his arms are wrapped around Jared’s shoulders, their bodies pressed together in a sudden embrace.

 

Jensen’s not really very huggy. Jared has learned that Jensen likes hugs in certain situations, from certain people. But he doesn’t generally give them out freely.

 

Jared doesn’t delay in getting his arms around his best friend, crushing Jensen tightly against his chest. It’s then he realizes that Jensen must be standing on his toes in order to gain those few extra inches that separate them. He finds it amusing, and smiles into Jensen’s neck as he lets his head duck down.

 

Jensen holds on, doesn’t let go, doesn’t make the hug end.

 

There are so few people in the world who hug like that, Jared’s pretty sure he can count on one hand the people he’s met who don’t abide by the international hugging rule standards. He can’t help liking it, can’t help thinking that they should have hugged more often, hugged Jensen-hugs instead of Jared-hugs.

 

Then Jensen’s hand tightens in Jared’s shirt; he can feel it.

 

“I’m glad that all this,” Jared says quietly, his face still next to Jensen’s, their bodies still connected in the embrace, “was with you.”

 

He doesn’t expect or think Jensen will say anything, but Jared can’t help needing to speak. He can’t imagine another person in the world he would have rather gone through this experience with. Or anyone he would have enjoyed it as much with.

 

“Me too,” Jensen says gruffly, his voice quiet and muffled near Jared’s ear.

 

They hug, despite the scuffling of feet, the moving of props and cameras and lights. Jared’s glad they’re in a place where people see them every day and therefore won’t take notice – will give them their peace and privacy. There’s very little these people haven’t seen, anyway, when it comes to Jared and Jensen.

 

Ripped pants, terrible flatulence, disgusting belches, bad hair days, picking eye-boogers from each other, and that time both guys peed in the same toilet because, after a grueling day filming with no restrooms on location, neither had the patience to wait for the other to go first.

 

Hugging – even hugging for four minutes straight – is rather tame when it comes to Jared and Jensen.

 

He’s not sure how it ends though, but Jared feels himself pulling away. Suddenly it feels like he can’t breathe and he needs some space, some air, something to think about besides Jensen, and the show, and everything ending.

 

Jensen lets him go, patting his shoulder before stepping back. His eyes linger on Jared’s face, and Jared can’t help but find it nerve-wracking.

 

He steps back, coughs, breathes in some fresh air that doesn’t smell so overpoweringly of Jensen as he turns his back to his friend. He rubs a hand over the back of his neck, takes a few seconds to remember where he is, and then pivots back toward Jensen.

 

“The party’s tonight at eight, right?” Jared asks.

 

“Yeah. I still have to go over those voice pieces with the sound guys. But I can get a ride back to the house later, and we can go together,” Jensen says, business as usual.

 

Jared nods, turns away, stutter-steps, turns back, laughs nervously, and then finally retreats from the set. The last time to leave the set. The last scene, the final call. The last time to walk off and head to his trailer.

 

Jensen is still standing there in the middle of the frozen scene when Jared glances over his shoulder. Jensen hasn’t moved from the spot where they hugged. He’s got his hands in his pockets and his head bowed as he appears to study the fake flooring.

 

Jared feels his lungs constrict and heads straight for his trailer.

 

..:..

 

 

The party that night is the Finale Party. It’s a lot like the get-togethers they always have at the end of the season, after the last day of filming. Anyone from the crew and staff is invited, and whoever comes usually consumes too much alcohol and someone always ends up karaoking – or else standing on one of the tables doing who knows what.

 

But this time it’s not just the end of the season. It’s the end of the Series.

 

There’s a whole room reserved for them at their favorite bar and grill. There’s an open bar and a really long table where various members of the crew regale one another with stories from the past five years. Jared laughs along as he sips down drinks steadily throughout the night.

 

They’re two hours in, and Jared’s fairly sure Jensen is still on his first gin and tonic while Jared’s lost count beyond the empty glasses and bottles still remaining in front of him. When the wait staff takes them away, Jared decides he’s back down to his first drink, and it’s time to start all over again.

 

He laughs at everything – either because he’s too drunk to tell what’s funny and what’s not, or because he just wants to laugh tonight. Would rather laugh than cry.

 

Misha tells stories, many about Jared and Jensen. People laugh, giggle, and eventually he has them all rolling so hard that some of them have napkins dabbing at their eyes, while two girls make a run for the bathroom, convinced they’re about to wet their pants.

 

Jensen’s even laughing his real laugh. Not his normal chuckle, but the all out infectious laugh where he sometimes loses control of it. Jared loves that laugh, and smiles so wide his mouth starts to hurt. Their gazes meet across the table and Jensen’s eyes are all sparkly. Jared imagines his are too, but with the blinding buzz he’s feeling, he’s pretty sure he probably looks more like Dopey the dwarf, instead.

 

Eventually the night wears down; everyone’s had too much to drink and two people are already asleep with their heads pillowed on the table. Those who are still sober enough start calling for rides. Jensen, apparently, is one of the sober ones.

 

“Man, you di’n drink eno’gh,” Jared slurs into Jensen’s ear while he keeps a hand on his shoulder, trying not to lose his balance.

 

“I actually want to remember tonight,” Jensen says, teasing as he waits with his phone to his ear.

 

“I don’,” Jared replies grouchily.

 

“Really?” Jensen’s brow is furrowed and Jared doesn’t like it. He wants to smooth is out. So he does.

 

Jensen bats Jared’s hands away.

 

“Come on, man. I think our ride is here already,” Jensen says, snapping his phone closed and tugging on Jared who’s not the least bit thrilled to be ending their last day of filming. He wonders if he manages not to fall asleep, if it’ll mean the day never really ended. That everything is still just like it was yesterday. When they were still Sam and Dean.

 

..:..

 

 

Jared wakes up the next morning feeling like a pile of crap. The really nasty kind Sadie leaves behind when she’s feeling sick and munching on grass.

 

He feels gross.

 

His head pounds and his mouth is all stuck together, and only then does he realize that he’s asleep on the couch in his living room. He’s not sure what happened to his bedroom, or why he’s still in his clothes from the day before. He shifts over, stiff and cramped as he tries to regain feeling in his extremities.

 

Fleeting glimpses from the events of the night before flash through his mind. He remembers Jensen dragging him through the front door, holding him up and trying to keep the dogs inside. He smiles, thinking how much trouble it must have been. He remembers Jensen swearing and grabbing his leg when his shin hit the table as he tried to maneuver Jared around it. He thinks maybe Jensen forced him to eat one of the leftover burgers in the fridge, but he can’t be sure.

 

His memories are acting a bit shifty.

 

“You awake in there?”

 

It’s Jensen’s voice, loud and clear with considerably too much enthusiasm for whatever time in the morning it is.

 

“Come on, sunshine, it’s not even morning any more!”

 

And Jared hates that Jensen sounds so happy. He moans in response, slowly pushing himself up. He feels Jensen ruffle his hair as he walks by, around the back of the couch, and then he’s sitting on the opposite end from where Jared’s just pulled his feet. He notices then that a blanket is twisted around him and he tries to detach it while Jensen watches with amusement on his features.

 

“Here, drink up,” Jensen instructs, handing over a whole gallon jug of water. Jared thinks its funny but takes it greedily, ripping off the lid and pulling several long gulps. The more water in his system, the better he’ll feel. That’s what he tells himself.

 

“These too,” Jensen says, holding out his hand. Cupped in it are three small pills. Jared grins like he’s in love with the man and scoops the pills from his palm, downing them the next second.

 

A couple of minutes pass, and Jensen’s fiddling with the TV remote, looking at the weather channel, of all things.

 

“I feel so much better already,” Jared groans, almost feeling capable of living in the real world again. His hangover isn’t terrible. It’s just edging on annoying now, what with the water and pills taking the edge off.

 

“Good,” Jensen says, flicking his wrist and turning the TV off with the remote. “Now go brush your teeth before you come near me.” Jensen starts to get up, but Jared snags his arm.

 

“What? You don’t love me just like I am?” Jared teases in mock hurt.

 

“No, you’re disgusting right now!” Jensen says, pushing him off.

 

“Come on…!” Jared coos, grabbing Jensen’s arm and scooting close to him. Jensen struggles but Jared holds on, his hair flopping in Jensen’s face as he gets as close as he can while Jensen’s trapped. He nuzzles his face against Jensen’s cheek, neck, shoulder – whatever he can reach – forcing his foul-smelling, morning-hangover-breath on the guy.

 

“Don’t you want a kiss?” Jared teases, making kissy noises

 

“Sick!” Jensen says, shoving him hard and finally escaping. He’s making a disgusted face as he stands a safe distance from the couch. “Now go brush your teeth. I’m making breakfast.”

 

 

Twenty minutes later, Jared has not only brushed his teeth, as Jensen requested, but for icing on the cake, he has also taken a shower. He makes his way from his bedroom toward the kitchen, running a hand through his wet hair as he spots Jensen at the stove. He’s got his normal non-work-day outfit on: an old pair of holey jeans and a plain T-shirt.

 

Jared grins, stealthily making his way around the island to where Jensen is, his back still turned.

 

He knows he’s being mischievous, but Jared gets that way sometimes, and luckily Jensen’s probably used to it by now. So without prelude, Jared snuggles up right behind Jensen, who jumps a mile in shock and spins halfway around, fork raised high in the air.

 

“Get off me!”

 

His tone is harsh with surprise, but Jared only laughs. He can’t help it, with how out-of-his-skin Jensen looks. The laughter turns into manly giggles. Jensen scowls and turns back to his frying pan. Jared laughs harder, and suddenly he's picturing Jensen as some old school marm with an apron around his waist, and twelve children begging for food scraps. The image gets out of hand as his mind strays off, creating its own alternate reality. He’s not still drunk, but he might as well be for the way the images just pop into his mind. He can’t help it, really, and so it takes awhile for Jared to stop laughing.

 

Nothing new, though.

 

Finally, he’s got control of himself and he sits at his usual spot on the tall chair at the end of the bar at their kitchen island. He doesn’t think there’s much time left on their breakfast, and watches Jensen’s back from his place across the room. He can smell bacon and sausage in the air, and his mouth starts watering expectantly. Jensen turns, grabs two plates from the counter, and pivots back to the stove. His shirt tugs with his movements as he uses the fork in his hand to shovel the food onto the plates.

 

Jared smiles innocently and appreciatively to Jensen as he delivers Jared’s plate to the empty place on the bar in front of him. He digs in with enthusiasm, looking up only to notice Jensen standing across the room. He’s leaning back against the cabinets near the stove. His plate is held in his left hand, his fork in his right as he eats standing up. Jensen does this sometimes, but usually only when he’s in a hurry.

 

Jared watches him silently as he eats his own food, looking up between every bite.

 

Jensen’s looking back. Their eyes meet before diving back down to their plates.

 

Jared looks up again, finds green eyes meeting his again. Their gazes hold. It’s not entirely unusual. They’ve learned to say a lot in the looks they give each other. Sometimes they’re accused of speaking without words, but really, it’s not hard when they’ve spent every waking moment together for five years. Words become superfluous.

 

Jared eats some more eggs. When he looks up this time, Jensen’s gaze is locked. His eyes look darker than they had a moment before. Jared swallows his eggs, holds the gaze, listens to himself breathe. To his own heart beat.

 

Jensen studies his plate for a very long minute, using his fork to scrape up some stray scrambled eggs. Jared has seen enough of Jensen’s body language to recognize a stalling tactic.

 

Jared stabs his sausage and takes a bite, all without bothering to move his gaze. Jensen looks up but doesn’t seem surprised to see Jared still watching. He licks the grease from his lips and chews thoughtfully as his eyes hold steady with Jared.

 

They’ve exchanged a lot of looks and glances and gazes over the years, but now Jared thinks this one is turning awkward because… It’s different.

 

He’s about to clear his throat, break the silence, say something or do something when Jensen’s fork makes a loud scraping sound on his empty plate as he scoops up the last bits of his breakfast. He turns to put his plate in the sink and run water in it, proceeding to grab the frying pan as well, so it can soak in hot water.

 

Jared sets his fork down on his plate when he’s finished and Jensen turns back, crossing the kitchen to take his plate.

 

“Hey, come here,” Jared says as Jensen leans across the island, removes the plate, and turns back to the sink.

 

“What?” he says over his shoulder.

 

“Come here,” Jared says again when Jensen turns the water off and looks back. Jared nods his head in his own direction, waiting for Jensen to comply. He does, and leaves the sink, walking around the island to the end of the bar where Jared is sitting.

 

“What do you want?” Jensen asks, smirking.

 

“Thanks.” Jared shrugs shyly, even though he’s not shy. He doesn’t want to forget to thank Jensen for the small things.

 

Jensen doesn’t reply at first, then says, “Hey, Jared?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

Jared’s still sitting in his seat, and Jensen is standing near, his hand reaching out for the edge of the bar to play with the bit of seal along the ledge that’s peeling away. Jared has seen him do it often, subconsciously.

 

“You said you didn’t want to remember last night…” Jensen says slowly, watching his own fingers. He looks up then and asks, “Why not?”

 

Jared frowns and looks down. He doesn’t remember a lot of what he said and did last night, and tries to remember why he said what he said.

 

“Why did you?” he asks instead. Because he does remember that – that Jensen didn’t drink much, that he wanted to remember the evening.

 

“I don’t know… I guess because it’s all ending, you know? Like you keep saying. And I want to savor it all. Don’t want to lose any time or have any regrets.”

 

Jared looks up and Jensen’s gaze is both soft and concentrated.

 

Jared nods, looks down and then back over at Jensen. He understands; he’s had the same thoughts. He’s just had so many other ones, too. He reaches out for Jensen, touches his forearm and slowly closes his hand around Jensen’s wrist, pulling him nearer to where Jared is still sitting in the chair, forcibly closing some of the space between them.

 

“Jared,” Jensen says, almost like a quiet warning.

 

Jared isn’t sure what Jensen is warning him about. Then Jensen pulls out of his grip, saying, “Stop molesting me.”

 

Instead, Jared does the opposite. He turns in his seat, catches Jensen by the arm, and tugs so that Jensen has to take a step forward. He winds up standing between Jared’s legs, where he’s turned toward him. The chair’s height has them seeing almost eye to eye, and Jared swallows nervously now that he has a hold on Jensen and no clue what, exactly, is happening.

 

But Jensen’s standing very close. And very still. And even if the room still smells like bacon and sausage, Jensen still smells like Jensen and Jared can’t help leaning into it, just a little bit.

 

And then, he just does it. In the blink of an eye, Jared’s lips are against Jensen’s.

 

“What are you doing?!” Jensen demands.

 

Jared blinks, taking a second to realize that Jensen has pushed him away. The oxygen seems to have been sucked out of the room as Jared tries to force his mind beyond the split-second of lips that it’s still stuck on. He stares into Jensen’s eyes, finding them hard to read but eventually recognizing the shock and the guard that’s just gone up.

 

“I don’t want this to end,” Jared says quietly, his voice a marked contrast to the sudden race of his heart. He’s looking down, away from that look in Jensen’s eyes, but his hand still has a hold of Jensen’s wrist, and he feels his own fingers fidgeting over Jensen’s skin involuntarily.

 

“Yeah, you keep saying stuff like that…!” Jensen replies immediately, exasperation in his voice. “You don’t want it to end. You can’t leave with her. You can’t leave without me. I’ve heard it all! So what’s your deal, man?”

 

Jensen looks at him hard. Jared removes his hand from his wrist and instead traces the edge of the bar with his fingertips, stitching his thoughts together. If he only understood them, it would make it that much easier.

 

“I… I don’t know. I just feel…” Jared begins, but the words stick in his mouth and he can’t find the rest of the sentence. He looks to Jensen for help. Jensen always knows what he means, even when he can’t explain it.

 

“You have to let go some time,” Jensen says gently. His voice is quiet and resigned, as if two minutes ago, Jared’s lips against Jensen’s had simply been an overflow of needy affection, completely normal. An everyday occurrence.

 

“No. I can’t. Jensen.”

 

He tries again, and for all the times that Jared has rambled on endlessly, his words are failing him today. He bites down, clenches his jaw. In a fast, fluid motion, he grabs Jensen’s face suddenly, his hands large against Jensen’s cheeks and jaws. Jensen seems startled but reacts by reaching up and gripping both of Jared’s wrists.

 

Jared looks at him, their eyes doing that thing they did earlier in the kitchen over breakfast. It’s frustrating Jared that he doesn’t know what it means, exactly. He opens his mouth to say something, but he can’t. Suddenly all he can feel is Jensen slipping through his fingers, their whole five years gone and behind them. Everything forgotten. Their lives moving on. No more Jared and Jensen.

 

Jared’s eyebrow dips, his nose flares and he swallows hard before standing up and tugging Jensen close again. He lets go of Jensen’s face only to wrap his arms around him and hold on. Hard. And long. And forever.

 

Jared blinks.

 

Forever…

 

He closes his eyes. Amused, he can almost hear the ‘click’ as it falls into place in his mind. He buries his face in Jensen’s neck and feels the warmth of his arms reciprocating the hug. It’s all so perfect. So perfect, and Jared’s been so stupid.

 

“I love you,” Jared says against Jensen’s neck, and if it’s a little broken, he thinks he can’t be blamed for that.

 

He feels Jensen swallow and Jared tightens his arms around him.

 

“Yeah…” Jensen says.

 

“No,” Jared responds adamantly, pulling back enough so that Jensen can see his face. “I. Love. You.”

 

He wants Jensen to hear it click, just like Jared did.

 

Jensen’s eyes lock with his and they look at each other for a very long time, wordlessly, almost breathlessly on Jared’s part, if it weren’t for the fact that he couldn’t survive without the necessary intake of oxygen. Maybe he should have figured things out a long time ago. But maybe now is the right time.

 

Now, when he realizes what he stands to lose. As he realizes what he could have had. What maybe he can still have.

 

Jared lets his hands trail down from Jensen’s shoulders, down his arms to his hands, before he steps around Jensen and leads him by the wrist, slowing walking backwards toward the doorway of the kitchen. Jensen follows, allowing himself to be led, watching Jared steadily.

 

Jared leads them to his bedroom, where Jensen grows reluctant to cross the threshold. His feet get heavier and he leans back, attempting to slow the progress.

 

“Jared,” he says, warning again.

 

Jared ignores it, tugs on his arm and gets them both inside his bedroom where he shuts the door and instantly has Jensen backed up against it. His eyes are wide and dark as Jared presses his body against Jensen’s, appreciating the contact, the touch, the way Jensen’s hand lingers on his shoulder.

 

They look at each other for two beats before Jared kisses him again. It’s a real kiss, this time. Hard and passionate and breathless. Jensen kisses him back and Jared touches him – his hips and stomach and chest, all covered with layers of clothing that Jared, perhaps for the first conscious moment, realizes he wouldn’t mind removing from Jensen.

 

The realization should be startling, at his age, at this point in his life. But it isn’t. Because this is Jensen. And for the first time in a long time, clarity seems attainable.

 

Finally, Jared pulls back from the kiss and rests his forehead against Jensen’s as he catches his breath. Jensen does the same.

 

Jared says, “You never told me.”

 

“Told you what?” Jensen asks, searching his eyes.

 

“That you loved me,” Jared answers simply. All this time, and Jared never knew. Never put it together.

 

He watches as the corner of Jensen’s mouth slowly lifts and he tilts his head to the side, gaze roving over Jared’s face and slowly meeting his eyes again.

 

“Of course I loved you,” Jensen says quietly, simply.

 

Of course, Jared thinks. Just like, he realizes, he has always loved Jensen. Whatever love means. However it’s defined. However it changes, or grows, or shifts in shape and size. It’s always been love.

 

Jared grins, kisses Jensen again and steps back, dragging him toward the bed. He wonders if it’s too soon to explore whatever this is they’re both finally agreeing too. But then he thinks – really, haven’t they been courting each other for years? Living together for the past two?

 

He’s not waiting another day, not if Jensen doesn’t want to.

 

Turns out he doesn’t.

 

Jared sits on the edge of the bed and pulls Jensen with him, who swiftly captures his lips in a kiss it seems he’s been waiting for, who knows how long. Jared doesn’t have to ask just then, but he thinks some day he will. He leans back, slowly edging them backward along the bed as he lays on his back and reaches for Jensen’s hair, running his fingers over his scalp. Jensen hums into his mouth, nips at his lower lip and licks the love-bite better.

 

Then Jensen has his hands under Jared’s shirt, and the touch – it’s speaking his language. Jared arches into it, encouraging Jensen for more, until his T-shirt is off and thrown across the room and Jensen’s fingers are making trails all over his chest and stomach. He cups the back of Jensen’s head, holds him close, kisses him senseless until Jensen has to jerk away to catch some oxygen before he passes out. Jared laughs, takes the moment to flip him over and get his T-shirt off.

 

Jared kisses his bare skin and grins when he hears Jensen suck in a strained breath. He looks up and Jensen is watching him, his hands slowly weaving into Jared’s hair. As if they had always belonged there.

 

He kisses every inch of skin he can reach before coming back up to kiss Jensen’s lips – lips he’s watched and seen and listened to for so long. Lips he’d never really thought about kissing. Lips that are now the only ones he can fathom wanting to kiss – forever.

 

Forever…

 

Jared sucks in a breath as he feels Jensen’s hand over the zipper of his jeans, slowly edging down along the seams. He leans into it, rubbing himself on Jensen’s hand. Jensen lets out an amused breath through his nose, leans up into the kiss, and digs harder against Jared’s jeans.

 

Jared whimpers. It’s ridiculous. Stupid. But, god, how can Jensen do that to him?

 

It takes a minute for Jared to realize that his jeans feel suddenly looser, and then there’s skin on skin contact and he forgets how to kiss, forgets how to breathe and he drops down to rest on his forearms, situated on either side of Jensen’s head.

 

Jensen – who is amused again, smiles up at him, but the smile is warm, and affectionate, his eyes turning slightly darker when they catch with Jared’s.

 

He should be ashamed of how easily it ends, but he can’t find the strength for shame. Jensen extracts his hand from Jared’s jeans, wipes it on the denim and slowly rolls Jared over. He’s too far gone to protest anyway, even if he wanted to. Which he doesn’t. He’s pretty sure he’d do anything Jensen asked him, right in that moment.

 

Jensen doesn’t ask. He crawls over Jared, kisses him long and slow, explores his mouth, neck, jaw. Touches his chest and stomach, then straddles Jared’s long, bent leg. Jared suddenly feels a bit more aware of what exactly is rubbing hard along his thigh. He reaches for Jensen, heat and need and want thick in the air. He scrapes his nails along Jensen’s scalp, then down his back as Jensen lets out a stilted groan and continues to bring himself off on Jared’s thigh.

 

He wants to touch, but he doesn’t think he’s ever seen anything hotter. And the whole thing is over so fast – maybe because they’ve wanted it so long. Maybe because they have all the time in the world to try everything there is to do together.

 

Jensen falls on top of Jared, breathing hard, and sweatier than before. Jared’s fingers trail idly up and down the back of his neck, finding his new favorite spot to touch Jensen. The skin is soft and smooth there. A place he never would have suspected to be so personal, so private. But it is. It’s his place, now.

 

They don’t say anything, just lay there in their soiled jeans, in the unmade bed, lying together with arms and legs entangled. The world makes more sense from there, anyway.

 

..:..

 

 

It’s hot outside but the breeze feels good. The smell of the ocean, the feel of the sand beneath him, the sounds of dogs and kids and water splashing, pleasant squeals and teasing barks.

 

Jared smiles as he props himself up on his elbows where he lies on a beach towel in California. The wind, the sun, the heat – it’s all so different from Vancouver. But one thing is the same. Jared smirks as he watches Jensen splashing in the tide. Harley and Sadie are playing a game of chase with him, and Jared’s not sure who’s winning. If he has to judge by who’s splashing the most water, it would certainly be Harley. If the winner is the one who stays the driest, Jensen has definitely lost that one. Sadie conspires against him and the two dogs drag Jensen down into the ocean water. He splutters and laughs and grabs the nearest dog – Harley – giving him a well-earned noogie.

 

He thinks maybe the dogs have always been in love with Jensen, too. Which is probably a good thing, since Jared is planning on keeping him around.

 

They have interviews, role-readings, and scripts piling up. Nothing quite like Supernatural. But Jared thinks, really, he’s got the best part of Supernatural still with him.

 

He’s got Jensen.

 

 

 

 

THE END.


End file.
